What makes is a Man?

Of course, there are huge advantages and benefits to being male in our society (as I’m sure any woman reading this would point out!), the main ones to my mind being:

• Earning Power
  Men in our society have the ability to earn in general more money than females in equivalent jobs and will still be preferred in many of the top earning positions. Women earn on average nearly 8% less per hour than men – it’s better than it was not so long ago, but over their lifetime, the picture is worse – women earn £380,000 over their lifetimes while men earn £643,000 – almost double. Some of this is explained by time off for having babies – but that just reinforces the unequal structure – in a society where men took as much of an equal share as they could, the difference would not amount to nearly so much…
    
• Power/control
  It doesn’t really even need saying that, though the balance is slowly changing, men have always had and still have most of the power in our society. Women make up 35% of MPs and 30% of cabinet positions. 40% of company directors are now women but 90% of the top executive roles are still held by men.

Caveats – measurable disadvantages

So with these advantages, it’s somewhat surprising to see that by some fairly obvious standards, being a man doesn’t seem to be all that rosy…

• suicide
  74% of suicides in the UK in 2022 were men and boys [b]
• life expectancy
  The average life expectancy of a man in the UK in 2022 was 78.6, while women lived an average of 4 years longer (82.6) [a]
• poorer educational outcomes
  Since the 1980s, boys have been doing worse than girls at school. in the UK in 2021, 5% more girls than boys received A* grades at A-level and girls are 35% more likely to go to university and gain a first or upper second-class degree than boys [c].
  Despite this, after graduation, men are more likely to be in ‘highly skilled’ employment or further study just after graduation. Male graduate average earnings are around 9% higher than female earnings one year after graduation. This earnings gap grows substantially over their early careers and reaches 31% ten years after graduation. (See ‘Earning Power’ above)

It is the topic of the moment – how men and boys have lost their way. How, as the feminist movement has liberated and empowered women (to some degree – more later on that), men have had no equivalent revolution in our place in society – we are left adrift in a society where we no longer have the monopoly on power and money and the things that we have been taught to aspire to. In fact, the impact of feminism over the last few decades has devalued these objectives to a degree (quite rightly), and raised other values like empathy, compassion and emotional intelligence, ones which men are largely unskilled in, to the fore (though there is a long way still to go).

The much-publicised and extremely dangerous reaction of some males, has been a rise in misogyny, sexism and violence against women, prompted I think by a defensive and demoralised percentage, who feel undermined by the changes and want to turn back the clock to a time when they were dominant by default and didn’t have to question the values with which they have been raised. It is really important that an alternative, more constructive way of navigating these societal changes can be found.

This turning-point can be seen instead as an opportunity for us men to become more complete humans – it’s challenging, no doubt, but if we can resist becoming defensive and digging a deeper hole in which to bury our heads, we have an opportunity to re-evaluate some of the pre-conceptions and stereotypes attached to maleness and by rising to this challenge we stand to grow immensely. We can choose to cease to pursue those qualities which we have been taught to strive for but which turn out to be anti-human and anti-life, have richer, fuller, more satisfying and happier lives, and take on aspects of humanness that have been denied to us for millennia.

The Male straightjacket

What are the traditional characteristics that make a ‘Real’ man, and which the majority of us aspire to to some degree, whether consciously or not?

• Cool, calm and collected in all circumstances
  Unflusterable – essentially unemotional and certainly not displaying emotion. Able to stay calm and act resourcefully under pressure. If ever required to go to war and kill or be killed, having and showing feelings is not a particularly desirable trait… And in order to be in a controlling class of humans that act as agents for oppression (sexism) of another group, there is also a need to be cut off from feeling – to be able to exploit others means you need to be somewhat numb and not feel their pain (or your own ‘discomfort’ at acting in such a way)…
• Competitive (& Successful)
  The respected male is a winner. Unless he can be at the very top, above everyone else, he is just another loser, a waster or a failure. Success is rewarded financially. And in our capitalist society, which places primary value on profit, success at making money is the ultimate goal. A male nurse would not be accorded the same value as a successful businessman and would certainly not receive the same level of financial reward, despite the fact that his work might benefit people much more positively. Caring for others is seen as women’s work and therefore of low value – something that is reflected in the pay! And there is no limit to this – the more money a man can make, the higher their status – there is no point at which enough is enough – no matter that they might have more than they could ever spend in multiple lifetimes…
• ‘Handsome’
  What does handsome mean? What attributes are valued as contributing to the making of an attractive (and therefore desirable) man?
  One of them is ‘Rugged’ – in other words, looking strong and able to deal with any physical challenge. Muscular – big muscles and body strength are very important. So much so that millions of men around the world spend hours and hours a week and huge amounts of money, working out in gyms, primarily to make their bodies look more muscular and ‘hench’, and millions too, spend money and risk their health and well-being, to take illegally traded, black market muscle boosters like steroids and hormones in an attempt to emphasise masculine physical traits as much as possible, even to the extent of self-caricature.NB: Though looks are extremely important (studies have shown that those who are considered attractive do much better in financial terms than those who are not), they are not as important as for women, where how she looks is the primary measure that makes a ‘Real’ woman. Men are judged and valued more for what they do, rather than how they look.
• Good at sport
  Ideally, a Premier League footballer, rugby player or heavyweight boxer, but an Olympic athlete will do (though not so much a gymnast or ping pong player). At a pinch, for those less athletic, a champion darts player will do (as long as much beer is consumed). definitely not a ballet dancer!
• Competent and confident
  A man should be able to do anything asked of him with ease and confidence.
  He should know everything useful that there is to know (but without resorting to too much study or reading, as that would make him a bit of a nerd – academic study is associated with the less masculine). Certainly, he should have a knowledge of everything practical, like how to do DIY. If he doesn’t know something, the fear of inadequacy, humiliation and loss of self-esteem means that he will often make it up or pretend so as not to lose face…
• Holds his drink
  You’re not a real man if you don’t drink. Any man worth his salt should be able to drink 8 or 9 pints when on a night out with his mates. No matter that this may make him sick as a dog and if kept up for decades, lead to his death from liver failure, cancer, stroke or heart disease…
• Highly Sexed, well endowed and with infinite libido
  The ‘Real Man’ has to have a huge cock and be ready to use it at any time… The emphasis on physical genital size is paramount. Any male who is anywhere near the average for penis size (around 13cm or 5.2 inches when erect for British adult males) will have spent endless hours of unease through their lifetime, inspecting their penis with concern that it might not, literally, ‘measure up’. Widespread exposure to porn in more recent years can only have increased this, as male porn stars are chosen for their way above average penis size (the record is 48cm or nearly 19 inches!).Yet men continue to attach the most value to this as a sign of their sexual prowess – the mythology says that the larger the penis, the more pleasure a woman will get from sexual intercourse – and every heterosexual man wants his ego stroked by the thought that he can ‘satisfy’ a woman. Ask most women, however, and they will say they would run a mile rather than have such a monster anywhere near them – it is sure to be a hurtful rather than a pleasurable experience!
  The stereotypical macho male should be ready, willing and able to perform sexually at any time when with a woman, again leading to a huge market for sexual performance-enhancing drugs. The worst thing that can happen to a man in bed is that he is unable to get an erection and so not be able to ‘satisfy’ a woman sexually. Add this fear to the worry that his penis is insufficient for the job anyway, and you can see why so many men suffer anxiety around this.
  The truth is, of course, that penetrative sex is often less than satisfying to women, who are far more likely to achieve orgasm by other means, so attention and understanding of a woman’s desires and needs is far more likely to leave a woman ‘satisfied’ sexually, than any amount of penetrative sex and huge schlongs! Studies show that for women, a strong emotional bond, sensuality and a broad range of erotic practices are more important than penis size. The idea that a woman will have more pleasure from a larger penis is a misguided attempt to make up for, by pure bulk, the lack of attention and sensitivity to a woman’s needs during lovemaking. Having said that, many women seem to have a preference for a slightly larger penis than average, presumably as there is at least the chance they will feel something pleasurable – some stimulation is better than none! In my experience, good communication, empathy, loving care and attention more than make up for any perceived lack in penis size.
• Protects & Provides
  He should be protective, helpful and financially support women and Family. Traditionally, men have been the primary earners and have more power in society and confidence than women. They were also seen as more intelligent and more able in general, so their job was to protect and provide for the ‘fairer’ and ‘lesser’ sex, as well as for their children. This meant earning enough money to provide a comfortable life for their family, and taking on any financial or practical dealings with society at large. Until relatively recently, men would have seen any attempt at earning a wage by their female partner as an indictment of their masculinity and discouraged it. In recent years, however, the relentless refinement of capitalist society has reduced the average salary in real terms to such an extent that in the majority of British households, both male and female adults now have to work for pay in order to make ends meet. Men are still, in general, paid more and have more powerful roles, though this has changed considerably and continues to do so under the pressure of the feminist movement and liberal ideology.

An impossible (and undesirable) goal

In order to achieve the benefits that society bestows on ‘Real Men’, these are the characteristics we are supposed to aim for. But of course, the masculine ideal that satisfies all of these requirements can never be achieved completely by anyone – only one man in the world can be the top at one thing. There can only be one Greatest Athlete, Richest or Most Powerful Man – so there is never any real chance to reach this ideal of the Ideal man. If we accept this fallacy of manhood (and we are all pressured to do so to some degree, unless we decide to opt out and transition away from manhood altogether), we are destined only to fight endlessly to compete for it and tread on anyone else who is also in the running.

Being raised with the craving to be a Real Man means that nothing we ever do can actually be quite good enough, and so we have to keep working harder to try and fill the empty hole in our self-esteem. Which, of course, can never be filled by the struggle to attain perfect manhood – a state that doesn’t exist. It’s an impossible and empty dream and ultimately an undesirable one, because, in the fight to achieve it, we have to say goodbye to any empathy, any care for others or ourselves, and ruthlessly exploit every opportunity that we can to get closer to the ideal.

Living a life like this is endlessly stressful, exhausting and emotionally barren. It contributes to the isolation that most of us live in. It is almost impossible to be close to other men if we are competing with them – and we are always competing with all of them! It is also difficult to be close to women when we are terrified they see through our fragile shell of pretence and realise that we are not ‘Real Men’ after all.

No wonder that many men who we would consider relatively successful treat their employees with contempt, their children with intolerance and their wives without care. The only way most of us can think of to have a chance to feel better about ourselves is to put someone else down and feel, for a fleeting moment, superior to them.

But no matter how much money we make, how many other men we beat, or how much we put others down, we cannot achieve a real and lasting sense of self-esteem. That has been amputated from our core and can never be achieved while we continue to value ourselves only through the value system we have internalised from this patriarchal society. We have to start valuing our humanness and not our masculinity.