Counselling is NOT ‘fixing’ someone…
While I was sitting in as observer on a practice session in a class for beginning counsellors that I was teaching, the client was telling about the difficulty of being a long-term carer for a family-member who was chronically ill. The student-counsellor was clearly getting twitchy, and when we talked about it after in feedback, said she was distressed because she could not think or any intervention that might provide a solution for the client – anything to help alleviate the client’s problems – so felt she had been unable to ‘offer’ him anything. She was left feeling inadequate. The client however, as a long-term carer for the forseeable future, had a different viewpoint – he described having the opportunity to get time for himself as a rarity, and just getting the chance to talk things through with the counsellor felt invaluable and made his situation more bearable.
Often ‘Just’ listening is enough…
Importance of being listened to…
When I am listened to it can mean that…
- I no longer feel isolated and alone with my problems…
- I am being paid attention to – I feel respected and valued
- I am being witnessed – I have a chance to ‘Speak my Truth’
- Expressing my thoughts and feelings out loud can make them more concrete with greater depth and resonance, and can enable me to feel, experience and explore powerful emotions that are otherwise locked away…
Good Listening is a scarce resource and one we all need sometimes to help us sort through what is going on in our lives and explore difficulties. I thought I was a Good Listener (for a bloke!) before I started training as a counsellor…
But Do I Really listen?
Often when called upon to listen, in everyday life situations, I find myself:
- Competing for attention… just waiting for an opportunity to jump in and interrupt so someone can listen to me for a change!
- Hijacking someone’s story… ‘That must have been awful – The same thing happened to me! Well it wasn’t my cat, it was my aunt and she didn’t get run over she fell down, but I know just how you feel!’ (I don’t! I can’t possibly…)
- Daydreaming/distracted – ‘I wonder what colour to paint the bathroom…..’ (or with me it’s likely to be ‘Wonder what I’ll have for dinner….’) – only a fraction of my attention is on what the other person is saying
- Giving Advice – I stop listening and tell them what to do instead – I mean, doh, it’s so obvious! (But do I know the whole story? And how can I make the decision for them?)
- Arguing – I find it so hard to keep listening to someone I disagree with strongly. Why does it feel so important to win them over? (can’t I just let them know that’s not what I think but continue to listen? I’m not saying I have to pretend I agree…)
- Just Watching the Clock – waiting for any opportunity to get away. ‘Anyway I have to go now coz my parrots come down with the flu and I’ve got to get it to the vets before they close and they close early on a Tuesday.’… After all it wasn’t my idea to sit here for hours listening to them going on and on!…
Key to good listening is actually deciding and agreeing to listen(!) and setting some limits – “I will listen to you for 10 minutes and then I have to go” (or “…then I’ll have a go too”, as in peer counselling setups, like co-counselling and the training environment) – this doesn’t happen very often in everyday life and that’s part of why we get distracted, but it’s exactly what we do in a counselling session.
During this time I agree to do my best to pay complete attention to what the other person is telling/showing me…
Really Listening means I …
- Learn about the person and develop an understanding of them and their life
- Offer my full, undivided attention (to the best of my ability)
- Focus on their needs (not mine – i.e. my need to be ‘doing’ something, ‘fixing’ things, or satisfying my curiosity)
- Support/encourage them to explore what is important to them.
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Exercise: Silent Listening
Make a pair and each take 3 minutes as client to speak about your day or whatever takes your fancy – bask (or wriggle!) in the warm glow of your partners undivided attention. When listening, see what it is like to offer your complete attention in silence! Make sure you let the ‘client’ know when 3 minutes is up. After each turn, spend a minute or two feeding back to each other what it was like, both as the person listening and the person being listened to (though there is no need to comment on the content of what was said).
Did you find it uncomfortable? As client or listener?
3 minutes may not sound like long, but it sometimes feels like it when someone runs out of things to say! In a recording of a session with Carl Rogers (the ‘Godfather’ of counselling), there is one point where there is silence for 17 minutes… Imagine that!
What did you find yourself doing to show that you were listening to the client?Eye contact? Expressions? Gestures?
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Eye contact is interesting and powerful. Personally I always make my eye contact available to the client, and they can make eye contact with me whenever they want. The exception to this is when someone is shy or from a culture where eye contact is seen as confrontational, when I may look away unless they invite me not to. I would always discuss this with the client if I felt they were uncomfortable ‘under my gaze’, to find out what their feelings are about this first (so they don’t just think I am ignoring them!).
I have had sessions where part or most of a session is spent with with me turned away to face the wall, or even with a blanket over the client’s head (or occasionally mine!), so they can feel like they are not being watched and exposed. It’s something to be aware of & think about further…
Tips as listener:
* Please remember to RELAX! …and don’t forget to breathe 🙂
* Give yourself permission to not always feel like you should be doing something – allow yourself to just be and so give your client some space…
If in doubt – LISTEN!